I’ve been spending the past few days in a state of shock, anger, sadness, denial, and everything in between. Trying to distract myself as much as possible, and crying my eyes out when I can’t. My husband has been amazing. I know how hard everything has been for him. I can feel it. But he’s been my rock. Every time I cry, he’s consoled me and has told me its okay. He’s told me to cry. And then, he’s helped me with saying something or talking about something to get my brain to switch gears. Like when we watched “Speed” last night and Gwith watched in hilarious horror as he realized he was in that building at the beginning and in one of those elevators, just the other day for a meeting. Needless to say, I think he’ll be taking the stairs if he ever goes there again! It made me giggle. It still is making me giggle.
The best distraction I have found though is vacation planning. I’ve zoned out and back into the pain almost during every other conversation but vacation planning, this one keeps me going. I don’t know if its because I’ve always been a planner and planning does wonders for my brain, or if because Gwith, who never discusses our trips with me no matter how hard I try (he’s not the planner in this marriage!) is finally discussing it with me, and it’s exciting to share it with him like I’ve always wanted to. Or maybe it’s because I had these trips I dreamed of taking and I figured that I wouldn’t be able to or it would be a few years until I could.
We’re going to New York soon. It’s our first plan post miscarriage and I think its a good one. We weighed the weather versus my strong desire to go and see Avenue Q before it closes, and decided it will be worth the trip. We wanted to get away soon and have some time for the two of us and lets face it, it’s January. Everywhere is going to be cold for the next two months. Might as well pack all of our winter gear (thank god I still have my Colorado jackets!), and head to the busiest and most exciting city on Earth. I loved NYC the last time we went. We weren’t there long but it was such an adrenaline rush and the vibrancy of the city was exhilarating. I can think of no better place to be distracted in. We’re going to get to see Avenue Q before it closes and we’re going to take a Jazz Brunch river cruise to see the Statue of Liberty, which I’ve desperately always wanted to see. This weekend away is exactly what I need. I need to start making some positive memories out of everything that’s happened and letting myself move forward.
I’ve also been planning a potential trip to Tahiti for this spring. Tahiti has been on my list for more years that I can think of and I honestly felt that I wouldn’t get there for at least of couple more years. I’ve always wanted to go there and jet ski across the water in Bora Bora. After I had Bailey, I had a dislocated tailbone from childbirth that left me unable to jet ski until this past summer. About 3 years without being able to go on a jet ski, which sucked because I seriously love jet skiing. I figured if it were to happen again from pregnancy, it would be at least a few years again before Bora Bora would even be an option. But it’s an option right now. We can do it. We can go. We can jet ski across that ocean and stay in overwater bungalows, and watch fire dancers, and do so many amazing things that I’ve always wanted to do.
And then we can try again. We can try for another baby because for a million and one reasons, I don’t want to wait. Right now, I know it’s best I give myself a few months to heal. Not physically. Physically I’ll be fine in days. I’m already pretty fine. Mentally, I’m a bundle of mixed emotions. I’m terrified of experiencing this all again but I’m also so eager to have another little one in my life. That’s been the biggest dream of all. The dream that I was putting all other dreams on hold for.
Last night, I woke up at 4am and I cried. I had finished planning our vacations and all there was left to do was drown in my thoughts. So I did. I let myself drown for a little while and then I braved the internet and I looked up a million websites on how to deal with a miscarriage. Some of the suggestions felt wrong, even no matter how hard they tried to push that this was the “right way” to handle it. Websites saying name the lost baby. I can’t do that. It doesn’t feel right at all. I don’t know the gender, even if I felt like I knew, and frankly, I don’t want to put a name or a gender on a baby I never got to meet. Then after seeing so many sites telling me this was the way to deal, I finally came across a website which said that we all deal with everything our own way and there is no right or wrong on how we deal. Those words rang true to me and suddenly it felt okay to deal how I want to deal. Writing blogs, writing songs. Planning trips. And finally, going online and reading stories from people about their rainbow babies. Those stories gave me hope. It made me realize that after this torrential downpour there is a rainbow that will be waiting for us. I can feel it and that feeling got me to go to sleep. It got me to wake up this morning and get myself out of bed. Finally. I may not be anywhere near healed yet but I know it shifted something in my heart because when I sat down at the computer and turned it on this morning, and all of the 3D plans I had been building for our future nursery came onto the screen, I didn’t cry. I didn’t break down like I thought I would. I closed it, one at a time, as each image was put in front of me. And I continued on. I know that over the next week or even months, I’m going to cry again sometimes. But I also know, that just like I did with those pictures today, I will continue on.
Life in Stepping Stones 